Schedule of a Desperate Housewife

Morning Schedule

Wake up.

Fight off husband.

Concede by giving him head.

Go for a jog around the burbs.

Somehow end up at McDonald’s.

Contemplate ordering a salad.

Somehow end up with an egg McMuffin.

Jog to Dunkin’ Donuts for “a coffee”.

Give up on the whole jogging thing.

Catch a cab back to the house.

Fight him off again.

Give in and do it in the shower.

Cook him breakfast.

(Reheat egg McMuffin)

Send him off to work.

Afternoon Schedule

Catch up on lost sleep.

Convince self never to go running again.

Go to the grocery store for supplies to make dinner.

Come home and pack away groceries.

Call a cab into the city to do lunch with a friend.

Stop by bank for microloan to afford the taxi.

Wonders if she’ll have to suck off loans officer for approval.

Arrive in the city sometime in the late afternoon.

Call friend and ask “Where the hell are you?”

Meet friend NOT where was agreed upon to meet.

Have a nice lunch which cost a little too much.(Still cheaper than Barbados)

Air kisses and plan to return to the burbs.

Contemplate public transport then observe the time and distance.

Take subway as far north as possible.

Take taxi from Subway station to house.

Curse taxi driver.

Begin to tidy around the house.

Go for a dip in the pool.

Answer telephone. Argue with neighbours for walking around naked.

Call hubby at work hours in advance to ask when he’ll be home.

Wait until 35 minutes beforehand to actually start cooking.

Goes to to get a 30-minute meal recipe.

Cook Dinner.

Evening/Night Schedule

Welcome home hubby by placing right leg over his left shoulder.

Tell him to go take a shower.

Serve the food. Have dinner and small talk.

Cuddle up watching tv.

Feel his hand wandering.

Pretend to be annoyed.

Pretend to be persuaded.

Have sex.


Have sex again.

Set the alarm.

Go to bed.


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